OOOOOUUUCHHHHHHHHH! and hurl

SO I had my first personal training session this morning. Gee that was fun ( you can read sarcasm right) I actually had to use all my will power to not vomit by the end and to walk to the car and drive home. I felt the way I feel when I have had my back realigned. Not good and then I had to get up the stairs when I got home... I had a shower and got into bed for an hour cuddled up to my son and puppy. I felt GOD DAMN AWFUL! that said I had a Gatorade, and a stretch after lying down and felt great, bit sore but more an expected sore than what I felt this morning. Now this I have figure was either because of the cold wind and ear ache from said wind, or my rotator cuffs in my shoulders shouldn't have been pushed that had because they are dumb. It was really weird.

I am feeling really good at the moment. Getting more organised with routines for me and the children, only a couple more days till the 20 day organising challenge starts and I am keen and ready to go.

“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”
― Audrey Hepburn

I hit a really bad low a couple of days ago. I lashed out at everyone, I cried and I gave serious thought to not going home but sleeping in the car. My husband made everything better and we had a great talk about what has been going on, about the situation we have put ourselves in and how we are going to cope with it. I am feeling better about things and the direction my life is taking. Turns out I am not as useless as I think I am.

FACT: no-one can say anything to me that I haven't said or worse to myself.

My Husband doesn't understand how this works, but being a loving husband told me that I haven't wasted my life nor have I achieved nothing. My three boys are proof enough of that. He went on to list or the thing I have done in my life and how I am lucky to have everything I do have.  I love my life but I will no longer be staying at home all the time. I am having a Bodyshop party at my house, I have been helping out at the school. I will even be skating at school for the kindergarten kids.

I really really want to be able to run this fun run with my cousin this year without embarrassing her or holding her back. I want to look nice at my other cousins wedding. I want my house to run smoothly and my children to not be late for school.

Getting it Done. BOOM! owing The List

This is going to sound pathetic but... What a great day for washing. The weather is perfect a breeze and if you can believe it SUN!!!! I know right. I am feeling pretty good today. Getting things done. I have finished the Star Wars soft book.... looks fabulous just quietly. several loads of washing on the line. Sheets changed. Prep work done for the "20 Days to Organise & Clean your home Challenge" but may have spent more than I had planned on a new mop and bucket. That said they are pretty good.... just don't tell my husband OK. Section one of my first Uni assignment is done, The Mind Map. Now I need to figure out what to do with a bucket... yes a bucket.

 

10 uses for a bucket on paper.. then it needs to be narrowed down to 5 and actually created. I think I am going to enlist my children for this one. Their imaginations are thriving mine seems to be broken...

I am also attempting to branch out so to speak. I am hosting a Body shop party.. yes I do party plan I actually really enjoy it most of the time but I have had a bit of trouble getting started in this town. SO in the interest of making some sales and meeting some people (which I really should do seeing as I have lived here for a year)  I am having a party in my house. I hadn't done that before because my husband believes his house is where he can hide from the world, he has accepted the fact though that I cant live without people I am surprisingly enough a people person. Hopefully people show up. That's the trouble with putting yourself out there. There is a very big chance of rejection. That said You never never know if you never never go.

Wish me luck.

Biting the bullet... for many things

Hmm it is time to bite the bullet. I need to accept that we are in this place for a certain period of time and no hope, wishing or bullying is going to change that. It is time to embrace. I have started this by joining the community garden and enrolling my son in preschool next year. We have ways of rewarding ourselves. We are planning a trip to America but alas this is at least 18 months away so we don't half arse it. That said we are hoping to go on a smaller trip in between to Thailand or Fiji. Our main problem is the fact that we have three children apparently a family is only made up of two adults and two children or else you need to get two rooms, which blows your expenses out the window!!! The next thing is I have started the area for the back yard garden putting the garden scraps down to improve the soil in that area and Yesterday I did most of the gardens. This is the only good thing about a house inspection.... you are forced to do things you wouldn't normally bother to do.

http://theorganisedhousewife.com.au/organising/20-days-to-organise-and-clean-your-home-challenge-pre-challenge-task-1/

It has to be done. I still have boxes upstairs that I haven't unpacked for six months!!!!! I am a bit scared this may be a bit intense, and when you add to it the fact that uni officially started this week, I have a few things on order to make and we are off to Canberra next week I hope I haven't bitten off more than I can chew. 

My other challenge is going well. The attempt to not be a fatty boom ba as previously blogged about on the weekend I got up and went for a jog on both days before doing anything else. Which I was proud of. I am hoping to go tonight when Hubby gets home from work because as slow as I am I am pretty sure the 3 year old cant keep up.

But I must get myself able to fit into swimmers without feeling paranoid and I need energy that I am lacking. I am still trying to decide which one.... what do you think?

    

Fatty-boom-baa

I am fat. I am unfit and I am a bit upset about this. I am trying to be better fitter etc but life keeps getting in the way with super easy excuses. My current excuse is to blame it on my Hubby who is in Sydney at the moment. And prior to that at work work work. I want to jog and run but with a three year old this is more than a little difficult. This excuse unfortunately falls apart when you realise that I could be doing ZUmba at home when I cant jog. I think the thing that annoys me most is I am eating better but still fat. I suppose eating better doesnt do Jack shite if you arent burning those calories off too. Sigh. Ok so I am feeling sorry for my fat self. A few people I know at the moment are being amazing and motivated and making a difference to their health and wellbeing.

Right so all that sookie la la-ing  is done and I really have to just pick myself up and start again. Zumba today. Just DO it and all that. And Uni. Zumba and Uni are the two most important things on my list today.

all over it

I am, I am all over it.... oh wait or is that over it all?
Nope pretty sure its over it all.
People. People annoy me. As a species. The greed and lack of love for anything but themselves tends to shit me to tears.
I may also be a bit... premenstrual, which as a general rule means that things that I may have overlooked previously will get you a look and some very serious thoughts about atomic wedgies. But a good old slap in the face is also rather satisfying.

On a positive note I started on the patch in the community garden today.

"Gardening is about enjoying the smell of things growing in the soil, getting dirty without feeling guilty, and generally taking the time to soak up a little peace and serenity.  ~Lindley Karstens"

This is how it started....

  Hmm yes not too good. But I dug and turned and picked and plucked with my very helpful assistant ( 3year old) and we got about a third done. And we got so plants in too. Tomato, silverbeet (multicoloured) spring onion, mixed sweet capsicum, Lettuces, broad beans and butter beans. I also put a rosemary plant in the corner. I would have taken an after shot but got so distracted but the magpie swooping me and the watering system that I forgot. That will have to wait for another day.

I spent a couple of lovely hours doing this and enjoying the peace of it all before rejoining the real world and losing all that lovely serenity.

On an up side we went to lunch at hubbies work today and totally owned the chocolate machine :)

best laid plans...

Sorry for not posting sooner guys... I don't seem to be able to get my poo together at the moment. I am trying to keep up with my active sporty type stuff to get ready for this "fun" run in December and also working hard at sneaking super healthy stuff into everyone's foods and drinks.. although the Barley Greens has beaten me at the moment the only thing I can put that in is the super juices I make and then only in mine cause it sticks.. and pretty much tastes how it smells. Then there is the whole support your hubby type thing which in this place has a lot of ups and downs for both of us. Three boys who's behaviour seems to have changed over night from the best of friends to antagonists And a booming small business which is great but full on especially when it isn't just me who has to make the things. Then I feel bad harassing others to "chop,chop" so to speak. I have also joined the community garden as I previously mentioned and I have been studying up on what to plant in my new climate. Middle child was also concussed on Monday at school....

His eye is now a wonderful dark purple... and he has the flu. Uni stuff goes online today and we are away for the weekend ( middle child and daddy are off to the footy while we visit family) to Melbourne when really I should be in a cleaning frenzy for our house inspection on Wednesday. House inspections are apparently done every three months now, did you know that... there is no better way to constantly remind you that this is not your home... don't get too comfy cause we are going to come in a judge you every couple of months.
This is also the start of super busy months for us, Canberra in September, QLD twice in October, Newcastle and Taree in November..... oh and there are two family members birthday in there as well. Then Christmas.... which means Christmas stock is in the works already because otherwise when will I get them done.

Oh Boo Fucking Who I hear you say and well you should the things that make up life are what I am whinging about and if I didn't like my life well I would do something to change it.

But don't you just wake up sometimes and look at everything you need to do for the day and go.. really? again? can't I just stay in bed for a little bit? ( background noise of children playing and not getting ready for school and two dogs attempting to get to the dinner plates from last night, oops and there goes the god damn alarm again)

On a bonus Side Geek-r-ee is making me rather proud at the moment. It all seems to be happening, I have even organised an Etsy party for next week.. which falls after the inspection but before darling hubby gets back from several days in Sydney. Hopefully people come..... I am going to make this..
http://www.spoonflower.com/fabric/879908

Ah well back to the cleaning before I get stuck into this really awesomesauce Dr. Who bag that just needs some finishing up.

Ohh Give me home amongst the gum trees... with lots of plum trees

I WANT A FARM!

It doesn't have to be huge, just a couple of acres. enough for me and the family and all our animals. A horse, chickens, some lambs to fatten up, a fish farm/ garden set up thingy... wait what is it called Aquaponics. Where the fish help the veggies grow while they grow big enough to eat. We went to a friends farm yesterday. I loved it and so did the boys. I want spaces for growing things. We bought home oranges, the tastiest damn oranges ever.

 

My boys had the best time by the end of it they were covered in hay and you would of thought they had grown up there. They rode on a horse for the first time ever. Not a Shetland pony which they rode once at a party which most definitely doesn't count, but a real horse! His name is Whiskey and he was lovely.

 I was standing there watching them and I was filled with ... Raging jealousy. I want land. I want a horse. I want bees and a peaceful home where boys can run free.

The other amazing thing was that they got to feed and play with one day old lambs. It was wonderful and amazing to see something one day old jumping around.

 what a wonderful way to spend a Sunday afternoon. I will be starting up at the community garden on Wednesday. No its not the same but its a start. One day will will find our forever home.
Oh and we got to given a couple of rabbits to eat too. Luke cooked them because I just couldn't do it. The boys all loved it. "tastes like chicken" said Franky. I had a small piece and it was in no way horrid but for some reason I just couldn't do it. Odd how the mind works isn't it.

Gingerphile...?

I was going to write my post today about joining the community garden, and about how my new fitness reigm is coming along in prepartion for the December "Fun" Run. But instead I thought I should really write about something that I have started noticing...
I have recently been accused of being a gingerphile. In case you cant figure our what I am talking about... I have a thing for Red heads. I think it dates back to kindergarten. My first little boyfriend who name I forget but face and red hair still stays in my mind. My husband has ginger hair. Or more to the point a ginger beard and is under strict instructions to never shave again.

My main ranger love is for Ron or if we are going to be pedantic Rupert Grint. Obviously not in this picture more the sentiment, but in this one...

 

 One of the all time favourites is obviously Ewen McGregor. In Star Wars! goodness me Obi Wan.

 I dont know what it is? But it is definately something there. Isnt that odd. What started the whole conversation was I happened to mention the australian Pole Vaulter, Steve Hooker and the fact that I thought  he was a bit of alright.  On The book of face a few friends and I have a group called "The List" it is a wonderful place to look through.... My favourites tend to lean towards Superhero actors, you know Captain America, Thor, Ironman..... or old school actors like Gene Kelly or Paul Newman ( no sauce jokes please) Or the beautiful ginger Howard Keel ( mmmm seven brides for seven brothers, they dont make them like that anymore)

Dont judge me just enjoy what you enjoy :) life is to short to be a prude or judge what others like or don't besides if we all liked the same type of person there wouldnt be enough for everyone.

did I mention I am sitting here typing this listening Ed Sheeran...

alcohol eat your heart out... there is a new addiction in town

Hello my name is Jodie and I play Songpop. It is a new game via facebook or if you are truly desperate you can also get an app from Itunes. I play up to 20 times a day, usually while my husband isn't home so he cant judge me.

Seriously though.. Best game ever!

names removed to protect the innocent :)

When we were little we used to play in the car a game where when a song cam on the radio you had to try and guess what it was before the singing started.. harder than you would think. I think this game has prepared me well in life though.... for activities like Rockwiz or Spicks and Specks. It is like my ability to say most Disney movies word for word. Sing most 80's songs, musicals, Monty Python movies. Yep totally gave me an unfair advantage over all those maths and computer experts. Yep. Hmm

Any who the other reason I am blogging today is not to just confess to my addiction ( one of many if you count coffee, goats cheese, and a quarter chicken and chips) But to show you the before picture of my Garden area which I will hopefully be working on over the next few weeks (months?) to get up and running.

 

OK so this is what I have to work with, the only area that can be blocked off from the dogs. The first thing you will notice is a lot of shade.. and cement. Its ok I will prevail watch this space.... I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it ( actually I should probably put buy shovel on my list of things to do)

Regrets I had a few...

I have been thinking lately... as you do.. about regrets. I find it hard to look at my life and regret things because if I changed one little thing then everything would be different. And I couldn't take the risk that I would lose my children and husband by changing just one thing that has maybe stuck around in the back of my head for years. That Boy in high school who was my first love... but I broke up with because that completely freaked out my anti-love anti-marriage bitter teenager. He thought it was him... he thought I just rejected him because I didn't do it right. I never got to sit down and tell him so and watched other go on to break his heart and him again think it was him. I regret not putting myself out there and telling him what an amazing person he was and is. And yet if those things hadn't happened I wouldn't be here now. I think next reunion I am going to drink a lot of alcohol and sit him down and tell him and to hell with humiliating myself.

The missed opportunity of a job teaching gymnastics in the states. I was offered a spot in an acting school and did that instead. And I did it well... but didn't go back to my second year of study because I was also working at a casino and found that sleep is actually important. And I really liked having a paycheck and that boy I had just met ( who would become my husband)

All the money I threw away in the early years... drinking and gambling and general frivolity when I could have had a smaller home loan by now... but then would I have regretted not having fun while I was young? hmm who knows, probably....
why such gloomy thoughts I hear you say... well I have been reading about this
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying

and it really makes you think? why didn't I do that? and what you will think of your actions at the end of this crazy life.

My one big regret that haunts me almost daily is a friendship I let go. We are still friends yes but now there is a gap. a space that doesn't seem like it will ever fill. Lost contact, changed lives... these are the cause but not the reason. Giving up and not trying were the reasons it fell apart and once distance develops in a friendship or any relationship really it is very hard to close the gap. especially when both people got hurt. How do you move on and close the gap? I want to but don't know how? I don't know if I could put myself out there because the more you care about a person the more power they have to hurt you deeply. What if I am rejected what if I really don't know them anymore? or worse what if they finally figured out that they don't really like me after all? I think if I lost even the little bit that we still share a small part of me would shrivel up and die... and I like that part of me and who we were together.

Do you have regrets? its not too late. Do something about it. Do it now...

Thats my secret Cap....

I tend to get in a mood.. occassionally that mood means that I am for all purposes completely insane. Last night was one of those nights.. and today doesnt seem to have gotten any better. Last night I threw a chair, I think part of me stays minimally sane because when I lose it. I dont tend to hurt anyone just become rather scary... My children played a fun game of ..

And the thing is.. they arent that bad as far as kids go, you can never really pin point the moment when they went too far. It just happens... then poo hits the fan.

Today I feel like I am just walking around looking for a fight. Seriously dont start. I will go ape-shit before you can blink. Some people at this point are laughing... they obviously have never witnessed "Jodie going ape-shit"  Its not a lot of fun for anyone involved. I used to play roller derby whiched helped. None of the girls actually minded you skating it out or taking them out if it made you feel better. And should thay happen to bruise so much the better... photos can be taken and enjoyed. But I dont really have a release anymore. Nothing. I just slowly fester. Those close see the warning signs, my three year old will randomly pat my back. My six year old will start hugging me a lot with random "I love you"s thrown in. The eight year old is rather relaxed.. but will start helping me with dinner or whispering to his brothers to cut it out.

I think it is part of my cycle... mid cycle I get really angry, and very teary (stupid hormones) unfortunately I am so random I never know when it will hit so there is no warning for anyone.

I nearly ripped a girl last night online. Do you want to know why.. she used the word 'everythink" IT ISNT A WORD. I mean I am not the best with spelling and will use the wrong Threw/through etc especially if I am in a hurry but even I draw the line. The first time I gave her the benifit of the doubt... slip of the fingers so to speak but then she wrote it again!!! I didnt even know her and I wanted to grab her around the neck and shake her violently.

I think random people know when I am like this... they seem to avoid me on the street, a survival instinct perhaps.... my husband tends to like to poke me when he can tell I am build up. He like to get it all out before it becomes bad or worse I become... QUIET. My cousin used to know what was coming and leave the room she said there were signs for anyone to see. My jaw starts clenching, I tend to grind my teeth ( they are falling appart because of this habbit) my nostrils actually flare... and on occasion my eyes tend to get a lighter brown. Fair warning I say... now if all of them are happening and you are still standing close enough to see it. Good Luck to you